Who Are You Without What You Do? What Are Your Values? How Can You Connect Your Values With Purpose?

When we first meet someone or are getting to know someone new, we typically ask, what do you do?  And at least in American society, we typically measure someone by what he/she has accomplished within a commonly learned scope – their education, their profession, how much money they make, their net worth, how large and attractive is their home, do they have vacation homes, their travels, their spouse, their children and what their children do, have they headed up a company, written a best-selling book, drive an expensive car, are they physically very good-looking – sound familiar?

As a relatively new coach, my parents and certain relatives don’t ask – are you enjoying your profession?  Is it expressing who you really are? No, those are esoteric questions. They ask – are you making any money at that? How much are you charging? I can’t fault them. They were raised with a primary value and purpose – to provide for their families, mostly focused on financially.

I had a recent conversation with a friend who is in the midst of a life transition. Recently retired, a parent whose youngest is about to go to college – he is now looking to redefine himself and his life. His life has been based on his profession and being a good provider, all noble and very important roles.  So I challenged him as I challenge you reading this – what is your purpose without what you “do” or did? What values are the inherent you that you bring or could bring to being purposeful in this world?

Looking for More Joy in your Life? There is a four-letter word for that..... P L A Y!!

Remember the seeming suspension of time when you were playing as a kid?  Whether riding a bike, climbing trees, tinkering with something you took apart, playing dress-up, twirling in circles, or just laying on freshly cut grass while you identified objects in the clouds – you were happy and lost in the spiritually refueling world of PLAY!

I recently read the book “Play – How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul” by Stuart Brown.  I’m not an expert about the practices in other cultures, societies, countries, but I do know that more and more Americans are being raised and living with an all work, little play, ethic that is slowing strangling us.  Through studies, plus his own observations of thousands of clients, Dr. Brown emphasizes the crucial importance of play to the sustenance of our brains, to innovative thinking and creativity, to the nourishment of our souls and survival on this planet.

Even without such high goals as using play for generative leadership, let’s just take a look at bringing more JOY into our lives! 

Focus on Your Own Stuff (don’t look to other’s lives – build up your own)

The surest way to unhappiness for me is when I compare myself and the status of my life to others.  I have expended way too much energy and creativity in the past allowing myself to become disheartened and distracted by others’ success, when I could have been using all that focus and attention to creating my own.  Not that I wanted others not to have what they have – I have been happy for them and celebrate others’ successes.

However, as my friend Jules Price said – “When you observe something – does it inspire and motivate you to create it for yourself?  You think - that’s great; I want that in my life!  Or do you think, I’ll never have that.”  So you give up before you put the attention into making it happen for yourself.

What happens when your attention drifts to comparing yourself to others?  To their wealth, relationships, health/beauty, status, experiences, etc.  If you are motivated by this, then, great let it be your inspiration!  If you’re like me, then say good for them (and mean it), and then focus on your own stuff!

What do you want to create in your life?

What does your impossible future look like?

What motivates you?

How do you express gratitude every day for what you DO have in your life?
What small steps are you taking every day that bring you closer to what you are creating in your life?

Do you affirm each day, this is actually happening for me?

Not Meant to Be? Or Is It Manifesting Interference?

Nearly a decade ago, I was under contract to buy a very large, very expensive (for me) fixer-upper home outside of New York City. There were problems with the house and I negotiated back and forth for months. Finally a leak was found in the underground oil storage tank and the owners had it repaired against code, so I was able to cancel the deal and get my down payment back. I still lost thousands from paying the appraisal and the lawyer. During these negotiations, I received quite a bit of negative input from family, friends, and my boyfriend at the time. Comments were made about the size of the house, could I afford it, the repairs needed, the responsibility of that much property, etc. I was relieved when the deal fell through.

So here is a question I have pondered a lot throughout my life – when is something not happening because it’s “not meant to be,” and when is it not happening because the attention, effort, and energy you are putting into it is not clear or sufficient to work its “manifesting” magic? There is que sera, sera – what will be, will be, and then there is “where there’s a will, there’s a way.”

Does it depend on the ease of the process? If you are working too hard to bring something about – the proverbial trying to put a square peg in a round hole – then listen and perhaps decide that it’s not meant to be? Or should you take a look at your process and if other people’s opinions and input may be mucking up the works? Who knows how large doses of “not” energy affect the outcome?

I say, YES. Notice BOTH. 

Conflict or Compassion

On Sunday afternoon, the moment I heard about the tragedy in Tucson, I called a friend who lives there to see if he was okay. He said he had been en route to hear Congresswoman Giffords speak – he got there just after the ambulances arrived.  I was thankful he was not there any earlier. When I called him, he was on his way into the V.A. hospital to join Native Americans who were about to hold a prayer service. In a moment of crisis in his own backyard he and others were quickly turning to compassion.

Conflict or Compassion – which do you choose, when, and for what purpose? Do you have the flexibility and the emotional intelligence to know the appropriateness for different situations?

How to Keep Your New Commitments

I think a New Year is a great time to take a look at commitments – not so much our ability to make commitments – but if and how we keep them. We all have the great intention of keeping our New Year’s resolutions, but we don’t necessarily equip ourselves with the skills to do so. Here are some blocks to look out for and some solutions to keeping our resolutions:

Which Of Your Superpowers Will You Use In The New Year?

During the holiday shopping rush, I was leaving a store and a man ahead of me continued to hold the door open for me even though I had reached to hold the door.  He said, “It’s okay – That’s one of my superpowers – opening doors.”

It struck me as a very notable ambition for the New Year! – Becoming aware of and using our Superpowers.  And since I seem to notice metaphors, (or perhaps I just create them where none exist), I wondered how many people have the superpower of opening “doors” for others – and are they actively using this great ability?  How wonderful that this young man notices and enjoys the simple and gracious act of holding open a door (for which I expressed my gratitude).

When I looked up the definition of Superpower, I found the most obvious ones first – A powerful and influential nation, especially a nuclear power; a state with a leading position in the international system, etc., and the ever familiar term for superhuman abilities – any abilities that a human does not possess in real life – akin to superheroes in movies and comic books.

However, another definition was “a state powerful enough to influence events throughout the world.”  If you replace “state” with “quality,” the result may be an immeasurable number of Superpowers in each of us that have the ability to wield sweeping positive power that ripples out into the world.